Hello! Thank you for agreeing to take my survey. You did agree, right? Oh, no. Um. Let me see. Ok, so, first, by viewing this page, you are agreeing to participate in whatever happens here. Only survey-related happenings, I mean, not anything else. Not that anything else happens here! There’s nothing untoward going on.
Oh, no. I realize now how that sounds. There’s nothing more suspicious than saying there’s nothing suspicious going on, but please believe me, there is. By which I mean there is not-
Look, we got off in the wrong direction. Let’s turn the boat back around and start over. Cool?
Ok. Hello!
Hello. Welcome to my survey. You’re a person who reads, I’m a person who writes. I want to write things you want to read, and you want to read something. I hope. I don’t actually know what you want. Thus, the survey. Which this is. This has been the survey, and thank you for participating.
Oh, no! Wait! Come back! I forgot to do the survey.
Now, In the space below, please provide your feedback on what you’d like to read here. Please limit your feedback to seven-hundred-forty characters, which is more than I usually put in a story. Ha ha! That’s a joke, you see, because I usually write stories with, like, three or four at the most. So, please write your response here. Below here, I mean.
[Here]
_________
That seems not to have worked. Did you click on the space before you typed? That’s probably it. Try clicking on the box before you type. Oh. But now we’re below the other box, so you’ll probably need another here. So, please click on the box below here and then type what you were going to type in the box above, but now type it below.
[Here?]
____________
I’m still getting nothing. Maybe it’s a permissions thing. Did you click on the “I hereby give my permission” box-radio button-geegaw? Where is that? Um. Ok, it was supposed to be at the top of the page, but I don’t see it now. I think it fell off. Maybe it’s at the bottom now? No?
I’ll have to fix it later. But we’re pals, right? You give your permission? You’re up for whatever, right? Good.
So, let’s try this again. In the space below here, please write what you would have written in the space above. Not the one directly above, but the one above that. Oh no. Are we still on the first question?
We’re so far behind. There’s no more time for your first answer, I’m sorry. Just write it on paper, and mail it here, OK? I promise I’ll read it or something.
So, look, let’s move on to another question. Oh, there are so many. Oh, no. We’re never gonna get to all these. What was I thinking? Oh, no!
Look, I’m gonna get fired, and it’s all because I can’t make this stupid survey thing work. The mangement gives me broken tools and I have a thousand questions to get through and I know, you have limited time and patience and I am so grateful for you for sticking around this long, even.
Let’s try something else. I’ll fill in your answers later, once I get this all working. But until then, if anybody asks you, I would really appreciate it if you’d tell anybody who asks that you did take the survey, and that you have a “positive and favorable” impression of Tebbish’s Dishsoap and Floor-wax. I think that’s two products, but I can’t tell from the questions. It doesn’t really matter, if you’ll use that phrase, “positive and acceptable.” You’d be doing me a solid if you’d say you use it every day, or at least—let me see—two to three times per week. Yeah. That would be great.
So, thank you for taking this survey, and if I ever get those blanks working, you’ll be the first to know. After me. The second to know, I guess. I’ll tell you first. For sure. Remember, “acceptable and decisive,” two to three times a week.
Thanks! And you can use the coupon code for ten percent off something, somewhere, I guess.
| Music – “The Phoniest of Surveils” and “Fly Fly Fly (don’t fuhggetaboutit)” | James Gibbs |
| &c. | Ben Gibbs |