Would you like to know how to use your Love Expert to Video a hate dog? Ever love expert hate dog? Read on!
(Hey, guys.)
Yesterday, in a small dojo outside the angry kitchen of a small-minded Tillamook Grocer, a scene of chaos. The grocer, local happy-go-lucky gila monster Placid Waters, exploded into a peaked skill of murder. Love expert? Hate dog.
(So, the thing is, I have this SEO optimization tool. I’ve never played with it, or one like it, before.)
Subheadings are Good for SEO, love expert-hate dog.
The murder, with a surfeit of perplexed dough mixing, found itself. First, it was outside the love expert who so flimsily slant across the pond. Not to mention, self-referential1 links! Thus, love expert hate dog.
(And, like, it’s stupid. I’ll tell you why.)
Next,when confronted, the video stated that it knew of the hate dog, but it had never seen it. Above all, the murder grocer was unavailable for comment. Consequentially, both the cats and the plumes never found the hate dog video. Dog expert murder grocer? No! Love expert hate dog.
(See that “headline” up there? It’s fun, right? It looks like nonsense, and then you click on it, and it’s absolutely hot nonsense. Here I am, the grump in the machine, telling you, it’s hot nonsense.)
Search Engines Love Lists!
Number 1: Also, never Leave your gauzy underthings outside the apartment. I shouldn’t have to tell you this. After all, it’s elementary! Expert that murder dog grocer.
(But my stupid SEO optimizer says, it’s 93% perfect. That’s the word it uses. Perfect. And, who am I to argue with the bullshit clickbait gods, right?)
Number 2: Explosive Piquant Power Skill. When left to your own devices, once stand with your legs akimbo. Thus, never blink. And also always put your teeth in straight like a cozy grandma.
(I hope you didn’t click on this hoping for something that suggests that, for example, that nonsense up there actually happened. I played with the stupid tool for like half an hour.)
Number 3: Defensive walrus oatmeal. Simple enough!
(The article was originally going to be called “Adventures in SEO Optimization.” Apparently, that isn’t SEO optimized, though, so I had to abandon even having that in it.)
Hell, I don’t know.
(I went through a bunch of iterations. One of my favorites was “Adventures in SEO Happy Otimization A Skill of Murder Outside a Tillamook Pervasive Bakery.” Apparently, that lacks “uncommon” words and also “power” words. I believe “Skill” and “Expert” are the “power” words in the scrap I ended up with.)
I give up also. If he isn’t taking it seriously, I don’t see why I should. I’m so sick of saying lovers hate dog experts or whatever meaningless crap it is.
(And then, in the content, I had to go back with the same tool. That’s why the repeated phrase. That’s apparently my “focus keyphrase.” Heaven help me.)
Help you? Help me! This is so vapid it makes my teeth hurt. I hate this so much.
(It’s also why there is a picture I took during the last snowfall of the season, of a grubby snowman. It has the old focus keyphrase, but the AI focus group didn’t like that one as well as the current one. I hope that even the AI thinks “love expert hate dog” sounds like some kind of vaguely dirty W C Fields homage.)
Homage? You pretentious prick. There is no room for artistry in this mess. Give it up. Stop wasting time. Go back to what you do better. Not best, mind, but better. Stay in your lane.
(Wait, what?)
You heard me.
Audio version by Ruth Gibbs and Ben Gibbs
Music by Accident