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Hello to all my long-time fans, hello to all my new fans, and hello to everybody Measles brought here. Our vibe is pretty chill, but you’re all very welcome. Mumps, here. I just wanted to kind of check in, and make sure everybody was cool with what’s been going on, and just to kind of toss my two cents in, sort of thing, maybe float an idea, something like that. I’m still kind of figuring out this whole stream thing, but we’ll get there, together.
This is kind of a focus group thing, and we’re gauging interest. I guess everybody’s got their surveys or whatever, so I’ll just kind of give you the elevator pitch. Feels weird, pitching me. Ha ha.
Well, hello. My name’s Mumps.
I know, I get overlooked in the whole “childhood diseases” discussion. I don’t have the numbers that Measles brings in or that youth appeal you get with Rubella, but it’s really always been the three of us for as long as I can remember. I saw Measles is really starting something great going, but it’s hard to say if that’s just nostalgia or if it’s got any real oomph. I guess we’ll see, and I guess that’s why we’re here today.
Oh, and I gotta shout out to our buddy, Chicken Pox. Honestly, with two overachievers like Measles and Rubella in the group, it’s kind of nice to have another less-lethal disease in the old syringe with us.
I know, back in the day, people really thought of me as the “funny one.” Measles doesn’t serve as a plot point in a P.G. Wodehouse story about teaching a kid to wingman. But you know who does? This guy. Mumps. Just thinking about a cartoon character with a towel wrapped around his head and a big ol’ swollen gourd. Like, that’s funny.
I think it kind of sells me short, though. I have depth.
First of all, that’s not even the funniest thing I can make swell up. I have range. Let me just say, “Orchitis.” I can hit the nuts, which, let me tell you, is comedy gold. Just big old swollen ‘nards, and in a modern world with modern sensibilities, just imagine the humorous possibilities for animation.
And that’s not the only ‘itis I can do. That’s right. Mastitis. When was the last time you heard about anybody’s boobs getting bigger because of Measles? Never, that’s when. But 30% of the time, I go straight for the chest.
Second, I have real depth. I do swelling, sure, but I also do pain and malaise. Modern audiences love melancholy, and I can do melancholy. You imagine a little kid, sitting around the house, just groaning and holding their little swollen Chibi face? (“Chibi,” That’s that anime thing with the big heads, right?) That, my friends, is pure pathos.
And that’s not even the end! You imagine that same kid, ten, fifteen years later, doctor’s office, somber light, boom, kid finds out he’s sterile. That’s the kind of long-term drama that modern audiences need, in the era of Game of Thrones.
CDC is talking about bringing us “back,” and I just don’t want to commit until I see if anybody thinks it’s necessary. To be fair, we never really went away, I just haven’t spent a whole lot of time in this country since the ‘70s. That was a crazy time for everybody, and I learned a lot of very personal lessons (let’s just say, cocaine and Your Pal Mumps are not friends), and I decided, like Measles and Rubella, and like Uncle Smallpox and Aunt Polio, to spend more of my time overseas where I could be really appreciated. I’ve done this South American tour every year for a while. I get pretty much all over Asia; I was huge in Japan about fifteen years ago, doing six digits, but it fell off and then I kind of let myself go during Covid. I know, relatable, right? I still do a couple of little appearances in the States, but they’re intimate, in the low thousands, and I can’t sustain a career on that when I can still pull ten-thousand plus a year in Brazil, which is just a beautiful place. I love Michigan as much as the next guy, but if I could spend 12-18 days incubating in Rio instead? No-brainer, there.
I’m not unwilling to come back to the States. I just need to know you’re going to be cool about things, and that you really want me back. Dropping that whole MMRC vaccine thing is a good start, but I would need to see if people are really going to show up.
Anyway, I’m gonna play it by ear, and I’ll let you know. Wouldn’t hate getting a little bit of Stateside action, I guess. Some of you up there got such skinny jaws, it almost seems like a waste not to at least think about it. I’m gonna wind down the livestream now, but if you’ll send in those surveys, I’ll think about it. This could be big.
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| Ruth Gibbs | Mumps |
| Ben Gibbs | Etc. |